Abuse , Depression & Love
I started this blog to voice the stories of my young people and due to my own mental health problems and need to deal with childhood complex trauma I've made little time to write anything.
I guess the universe put me on a boat in the middle of the sea in between Greece and Turkey as the sunsets behind the mountains for a reason aye .
This trip has allowed me time to reflect on the events of the past few years and let go of the feelings and pain attached. So I'm writing this just because... For no real reason I just hope someone somewhere might read this and relate .
One of the biggest lessons I've learnt is before you start dating ensure your jugs of mum and dad are full. Too many of us are going out into the world with our jugs half empty looking for a man to fulfill the role our dad didn't play. Your dad was abusive so you find a controlling man of course that's fine at first it's sweet he cares where you are , what you are doing but then he becomes your abuser and it's the same fucked up cycle all over again . If your relationship with your dad was neglectful you tend to be emotionally needy and you look for attention from your romantic partner. Mark my words you will never find the dad you didn't have in a man you want to love you. Know what your dad done wrong so you know what to do right.
I had to learn the hard way. I had a partner that beat me so bad I miscarried his child in a hotel hall way after he kicked me out the room beating me black and blue for being an embarrassment. Another partner who spent so much time commenting on my weight my bulimia relapsed and I ended up in hospital. But both I liked to begin with they cared they only treated me that way because they loved me and naïve me truly believe this so I stayed with them over and over until I physically couldn't stand anymore.
After the last of the two relationship ended I had a battle with depression I went down a black hole of self-hatred and couldn't see a way out. My eating got worse I ate an apple and five nuts a day which I ensured I vomited up almost immediately after and took twenty laxatives a night just to make sure my calorie count stayed at 0. Crazy I know. Painting on a fake smile in the day and crying myself to sleep at night almost became normal. I contemplated suicide I took myself up to shot over nature reserve in Oxfordshire and picked the spot but as I looked over the city as it slept I couldn't bring myself to do it. A week later whilst looking for a missing person with my policing team we found our colleague hanging in the same spot. A horrid state of affairs but it put my life in perspective. I found my strength on my knees.
I came to terms with the fact the only way to get over my abuse was to in effect get under my abuse to tackle in head on from the root starting with my childhood . I almost didn't have to because then I met the love of my life. How things can change. After the darkest days the sun will always rise and it did. Temporarily of course!
Good looks and charisma is definitely not something he struggled with. From the very first date an electric storm set my heart on fire I fell hard but it was worth it. I felt stable in his presence, happy , optimistic for the first time in two years I could smile for real and recovery didn’t seem important anymore . Now I do not believe you should look for someone to make you happy and I definitely had no intention of falling in love. When I met him I was looking for myself. I was hurting, had lost hope I found refuge in him .
He helped to propel me in the direction of my dreams , listened to me at 2'oclock in the morning when I had a light bulb moment that wasn't really a light bulb moments at all . I spent nights in his arms talking about my fears and vulnerabilities and not once felt judged if I was with him I'd always be ok. He was honestly the greatest man I had ever met even in our arguments I could count my blessings. And then our relationship took a turn for the worst and together we went through a horrendous time in some ways we passed the test thrown our way and in some ways we didn't but the decisions we made will haunt me forever. But I loved him and he loved me and as long as we were together I'd cope.
It was when we were at our lowest that the voices began. "You're not good enough for him”, " He deserves more", " He's probably cheating on you already" , " He will leave you everyone leaves you " . And that was it even in the good moments days weeks I couldn't help but doubt he didn't want me. Thoughts really do become thing I spoke it in to existence and slowly the cracks in the surface couldn't be patched up anymore and he left. It’s been a while and I haven’t really accepted the end, my heart still aches every time I think of how we ended. And if I could go back to before all the spiteful words were exchanged and your number was deleted from my phone id tell you I now know why you left. Not because you stopped wanting me but because I stopped loving myself.
Social media thought I'd glowed up that my life without him was amazing when in fact I'd gone back to my ex and his name was depression , a fucked up narcissistic self-obsessed bastard. That's the thing with depression it just doesn't care it will slap you in the face ten times a day then convince you it’s your fault . Grey is a genuine feeling. Apparently getting over a heart break uses the same brain cells it takes for a drug addict to overcome a heroin addiction and I think depression knows that. You can smile ever so slightly but your eyes are glazed over and your feelings are numb and you are grey. That was me. And some days that still is me a broken wreck letting depression control me to take all my strength leaving a huge gaping hole where my heart used to be and I'm nearly done but not quite. Not quite because depression is a mind-set it's a mind-set that we allow to consume us and today I'm breaking the bond enough is enough we are over. It's because of this last heart break I'm writing this it's because of the lessons I learnt and things he taught me. It's because due to the love he gave me I was able to learn to love myself. And it's because I've been left in the sea for two hours to reflect with just myself to talk to and it's reminded me I'm a survivor not a victim .
But please. Please don't let anyone determine your happiness don't let anyone be the reason you break free. Allow them to teach you lessons even build you up learn to love yourself but eventually cut the tie own your own break through. Admit to yourself when life is getting too much and try and dance through the storm. Before you start dating make sure both jugs are full. And tell your abusers, tell depression , tell self-hatred and them bloody voices in your head to stick themselves where the sun don’t shine .
Because abuse doesn’t make you a victim and mental health doesn’t make you weak .
I am recovering. I am a survivor.
And please. Please never forget to get the rainbow you have to endure the rain.