This is Louise’s story
All names have been changed to protect the identity of the young person.
Somebody I know who works in the field of mental health, has suggested that I'm displaying symptoms of BPD Borderline personality disorder or Bipolar and suggested it would be possible for me to be referred to a community mental health team for assessment but they refused me. Apparently I don’t meet the minimum criteria. My assessment consisted of ticking yes or no to questions on a flimsy double sided sheet of paper, the nurse who looked no older than twelve barely looked at it before turning to me and saying “Well the good news is from looking at this your mental health seems ok to me” she paused before following this up with “You know what they say … when life gives you lemons make lemonade.” I looked at her tears in my eyes, suicidal thoughts in my head and replied “WHAT IF LIFE GIVES YOU SHIT AND NO SHOVEL!”
I’m not telling you this because I want sympathy. In fact that couldn’t be further from the truth I want help. I trust you and I know more than anything you will be there for me…
So what do you think, am I mental?
My Symptoms include;
Intense anxiety and fear of abandonment resulting in behaviours I would not normally display towards people I care about. Severe mood swings lasting a few hours to a few days. Unable to maintain stable relationships. Impulsive and reckless behaviours drug taking, alcohol abuse, impulsive spending, binge eating, etc. Suicidal thoughts and self harming behaviour I slit my wrist daily it’s the only way to release the pain. Intense anger which is sometimes uncontrollable I tend to black out and not remember what happens when I get really angry. Paranoia when I am depressed or stressed I become really paranoid and find it hard to think rationally.
I’m drowning within my self all the time. Which makes me angry, confrontational and aggressive. The images I see on a daily basis are played on repeat. Voices tell me daily I should die! I’m useless! I should never have been born dragging me in to a hole that I can’t seem to escape. I should kill myself. I know they are right of course they are but I’m a coward.
I don’t sleep I’m lucky to get two hours a night, wanting to leave the house to go to work is a struggle I used to enjoy work but the thought of being in a room full of people and still feeling alone suffocates any desire I have of getting out of bed in the morning. I don’t enjoy anything anymore everything is a chore.
My weight has also become a massive problem. Its making me depressed. I’ve dieted I’ve gone to the gym and nothing I do seem to be helping me lose weight at all. It makes me sick the fact I have to go out looking like this people calling me fat all time I can’t deal with this on top of everything else that’s going on. I really am struggling and don’t know how to help my self. Some days I eat nothing, other day I can’t stop. I’m a fat ugly pig and I want to die.
My mood swings are getting worse I’m having out bursts that seem to last days over things so small. I’ve become emotional distant from everyone and everything. I’m losing my mind. I’m crying out for help and no one ever answers.
Louise sat back and cried. Inconsolable and uncontrollable. And the only words I could find were I know life feels like a pile shit but ill be your shovel.
Louise’s story doesn’t stop here this is just the beginning. The first step to recovery if recognition of the problem. Ill be with her every step of the way shovelling her shit forever and a day.
Louise is not mental far from it in my opinion. Emotional pain is not something that should be hidden away and never spoken about. There is truth in pain, there is growth in pain but only if it is first brought to light. She is about to become a beautiful piece of broken pottery, put back together but her own hands. A critical world will still judge the cracks on the surface, but that is their own loss because they will be missing the beauty of what made her whole again <3